Berkeley Tree Sitters

“Idiots!” “Dumbshits!” “Find a real cause!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. But hold on a second. Do we all see what’s really going on here? Take a minute and think about it.

Right now, where are all the homeless people in Berkeley?

Yeah, they’re all in the fucking trees.

How in the hell did that happen?

Personally I don’t think it’s an accident. I have a sneaking suspicion that some Will Hunting of a son of a bitch in the sociology department masterminded this whole operation.

Really, it’s not too far fetched. Think about it. Cal is loaded with smart people.

Hell this is what I think at least…

I imagine a year or so ago a visionary”Will” busted into a closed door meeting with the Dean and colleagues in a last ditch effort to save his own trouble prone ass.

“Ahem…excuse me sir. About the homeless situation. You may think I’m crazy here, but I think I found a solution to your problem”.

“Son, this is a closed door meeting and were very busy.”

“If you’d just give me a minute, I assure that you will be pleased with what I have to say.”

“Johnson, who is this?”

“Just one minute of your time, that’s all I ask”.

(Sigh) “Quickly”.

“Thank you sir. Now I know you have a PR problem with all the homeless littering up the streets and causing trouble for the school…”

“Uh huh…”

“I have a solution… It’s a little unorthodox, but how about the school puts on a big production saying that we are going to….I don’t know, cut down a whole bunch of trees.”

“Trees? I think you’re time’s about up”.

“Yeah, trees. Say we need to make room for another parking structure, or gym, whatever. Then we’ll have one of us pose as a dissenter…hell I’ll do it…and raise a big stink on the streets, holding up signs and whatnot.”

“That will just about do it”.

“Please, just a second… You know… (hardly stifles his own laughter) I could get all greased up and call myself Badger or something. Gripe that ‘those bastards can’t cut down these poor soulful defenseless trees’. That ‘we’re all the victims of blind ambition’. You know, ‘Are we going to let our oxygen dispensing brothers be the next victim I ask you?’ Shit…I mean stuff like that…sir.” Get them all fired up for a fictitious cause.

The dean increduously responds, “And?”.

“And….and then the homeless people, (”Will” lays down the mathematics on a white screen to support his theory)….who have no cause or purpose anymore will find themselves rallying around this senseless cause. Ditching their grimy pieces of cardboard and taking residence in the trees equipped w/ a profound new sense of self esteem and direction. And with that sir…you will have your streets back.”

The dean gives an incredulous look. Then a half chuckle. Then a puzzled look. Then turns to a few of the other board members. Takes the mathematical sheet in hand. Sets it down.

“Are these equations correct?”

“Every one of them sir.”

Scratches his chin.

“What did you say your name was?”

………………………………

So I don’t know folks. The end result is just too brilliant to think it’s all a by product of nonsense.

And you know, if this did go down like I think it did, I have to say that this rapscallion, Will, is brilliant. Cause this has further real world applications. Think about it. San Francisco. New York. Big major metropolitan cities with horrific homeless problems. Of course the sensical solution to take care of our fellow man will never be a viable option. But, now, yes now, we have the Arbor Algorithm.

Plant a ton of trees. Give it a few years. Threaten to cut them down. Rally the homeless. And wallah, the streets are clean. With the homeless 30 feet up and feeling wonderful about themselves.

Man, if I could think up shit like this Will character, I’d be rich.

BN