Black -BN Journal Post

A section straight out from my journal today. Leaving it as is, even though some parts may be hard to follow. I just am putting it all out, and not totally sure why. Part of it may just be habit by now.  And in case you may wonder… I feel totally uncomfortable, bared, and crap putting this all out there.  I do it anyways.  It is not to be understood.  It is not for anything to be returned.  I’m just doing it to release it maybe, and perhaps to be communal.

BLACK

On Tamalpais. Hot day. I’m sitting on the side trail sans chair, since it’s been removed. Almost threw up on the way up here. My stomach’s not right. Maybe just emotions cause my energy’s pretty good. In fact I pretty much flew up the mountain. Probably the closest to normal I have felt, but…the day is young.

My pain is here and I feel so powerless to it. I want to puke black tar. That’s how it feels. Rotten and sinister. Just vomit it up in front of everyone.

This is my next major challenge here, the critical piece. How do I deal with this? I don’t know how to hold my ground. I don’t know how to not turn to spores and blow away.

How?

The family thing is a good thing believe it or not. Here it is at its blackest. It is in shades of grey everywhere else and largely white in a relationship.

If/when(?) I am able to effectively deal, face, and open up to the black, find some peace and resolution to the black, then I’ll know, at the center, that I can handle, I can survive, I can hold my own ground, I can be OK.

Perhaps the black in time will go to grey. The greys will go to off-whites, and the relationships to even a brighter white. And tinker away over time, over my life doing my best on all fronts.

Question is…how do I deal with the black?

It holds the key to my freedom. Family stuff concentrates it. How can I learn to stay put and not be leveled? Not be beaten down, not be over-run? Not have my insides turn to blackened rotten tar that may spill over my mouth?

How?

The small gain I can take today in this battle is that I know which direction to head.

What is killing me is the same thing that will bring me my liberation. I’m willing, and entirely unwilling to face this…

So what is it w/ family? Why has that always taken me to black?

I ask because I think deconstructing it will bring more understanding and may lead me to dark-grey.

I have been running out of family functions, physically/emotionally, and sometimes both since I was in junior high.

Why?

I felt my humiliation, my zero, my rejection, my shame.

Why?

Because it all existed inside me from what had occurred with me.

I couldn’t and didn’t allow myself to feel it elsewhere. I was in a scramble elsewhere. I was numbed out and that was my reality, but all the black tar was there. It was in there. Maybe that’s how it also works with things like sexual abuse. In the action it’s numb and survival and later it’s all the internal Exxon Valdez.

So as early as 14 or 13 I remember being at Aunt Trina’s and just going to zero. Going to shame. Going to crap. I’d start off by trying to look, be, and act cool. A superficial front that quickly would cave in. I knew I was a fraud. I knew it was flimsy. I bent and crinkled. I collapsed inward.

I felt the invisibility, the people looking through me. The rejection.

I tried to keep it together, but would end up walking down the path outside. My dad coming after me. I can’t remember the conversations, but I was lifeless.

And over the years…my extended family, they were someone to impress…Or I’d go there because I’d go THERE and that was my only means to handle/TRY to ineffectively handle the scramble of zero. Look cool, look this that or the other, but I was on autopilot with zero awareness as to what I was doing.

I was REACTING to the FEELINGS, the blackness and trying to resolve what couldn’t be resolved. Since I FELT what I felt, yet I wouldn’t let myself feel or accept what I felt, I was in the scramble and all the maladaptive shit would be exaggerated. Seeing things a certain way. Reacting to things a certain way. Feeling defective, judged, under the spotlight, devalued…utter tar shit…. As if what was occurring was real and accurate.

It wasn’t and isn’t. But it was getting me in touch with my rejection. The horror if it all.

And I couldn’t run and hide. It trapped me like a bug. Powerless.

So I’ve controlled and charted my own ship outside of black, but it’s been a lonely isolated way of being. It all stems from the black.

I can survive in the greys. Have laughs in the greys. Have great memories and excellent friends in the greys…

…But it has been a non-engaged way of being under it all.

Family/extended family still holds black. There still is a feeling of…what?

I don’t know. Truth?

Twenty years bottled up of the PERCEIVED sense of humiliation, douchebag, impotence, shy, powerless, pussy???

I don’t feel or act anywhere near like this outside of black. But under the scope of it, in this environment…I’m powerless to these feelings.

My life from 15-30 has all been about action to gain all the opposite feelings of black. The shining WHITE knight feelings.

And in time I galloped like a knight. I became the image of a knight. I rescued many a damsel like a knight.

That’s how I resolved. That’s how I dealt. But that form of resolution was time limited. As is everything. No more a hero’s story. No more tales of triumph.

No longer works.

Destruction brought me to reality. And reality is what I feel.

Black…

But not all consumed by black.

There are some gleaming white piece mother fucker. And they can resolve the black.

They can.

By grace, by healing, by my willingness to go through it.

Why family?

I can’t hide from people who know me.

Or…how I think/FEAR they know me.

That is why they take me to black.

BN