DORK YOU!

American Pie II was on the other night.  Certainly not as good as the first, but still worth vegging out too.  But the problem you see is that I watched it on TBS.  I’m sure you can imagine the editing job done on that one.

And this is what I find terribly annoying.  I need to hear the expletives.  I just do.  Not just because its always fun for some reason to hear crass language, but also because their omission is beyond distracting.

Its kind of like witnessing an actor forgetting their line.  Or a singer forgetting a lyric.  Or a dancer forgetting a step.  (Yeah, like I’d fucking notice that one.  Or, that I’d ever actually watch somebody dance).  Point is though is that in all these cases, it automatically pulls me out of the medium and has me focusing solely on the disruption.

In the case of TBS’ omitted words…the replaced silence.

And what’s actually worse than that hanging silence?  Yep…

The dreaded replacement word.

Man, what a shit hole idea that was, and sadly has become the norm.  It’s one thing to mute the word out.  Its an entirely different one to replace it with a non-sensical word.  And the nerve of these people…they even use another freakin’ voice!

And speaking of the freakin’ voice.  To me, it’s like watching Norman Bates channeling his dead mother when they do that.  Which when I hear it in some benign movie like American Pie, has me going “holy shit, wait, I don’t remember this being a horror movie?”  And then, since I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac, I immediately then jump to the conclusion that I might be the only one that heard this other voice.  You know, BN finally officially cracking up.

But fortunately for me, it always turns out that these are just the poorly dubbed lines and not the emergence of voices in my head.  Which of course is a tremendous relief, but once I settle down a bit, I can’t help but feel how ultimately unfair this practice is.

When did us viewers ever agree to this style of censorship?  Why don’t decisions like spooky word replacement ever end up on the ballot so we can decide what is decent or indecent?  Or simply what words we can or cannot hear?  Why don’t we have any say over these types of things?

And hell, why are these movies even being censored in the first place?  These movies are on past 8pm when the little tykes are out of the room.   Are the censor gods basically telling us that we can’t effectively parent our children, so they are doing it for us?  And if not for the  kids, are they actually implying that us adults can’t handle the occasional F-bomb?  How dare they.

I’m getting too broad in scope…

Back to my point.

Since the censors feel the need to screw up our movies for us, why don’t they at least give us something of value back as some sort of compensation for the disruptions?  If they must take out the word ‘fuck’ or ’shit’ or ‘pussy’, that pulls us out of the film, then fine.  It’s apparently not a battle were going to win.  But, instead of the silence or the crazy off-key voice, how about they throw us a bone by giving us something like….

Like a quick shot of a woman in a bikini.  Yeah?  You know for a guys type of movie.

Or a quick clip of a brutal football tackle.  Just something so we don’t feel totally jipped.

Let me try and see if I can give you an example of what I mean…

Revenge of the Nerds.

Here is a memorable scene between  Booger and Takashi playing cards:

Booger:  Shit, what do you got?

Takashi: I think I’ve got a frush.

Booger: What the fuck’s a frush?

Takashi (showing his royal frush) “A frush”

Funny.  Damn funny.

Now of course “shit” or “fuck” wont pass the sensors.  So let’s try this alternative:

Booger: (

) what you got?

Takashi: A frush.

Booger:  What the (

) ’s a frush.

Takashi lays down his cards.

Ok, it’s not perfect, but at least we are given something.

Oh, what?  I’m a sexist?  Come on now.  I haven’t forgotten about you women.  It can work for you too.

Let’s see…

What movie do you generally all love that has some bad language?

When Harry Met Sally?

Fine.

How about this scene between Meg Ryan and Princess Leah:

MR: Is he seeing anybody?

PL: He was seeing this anthropologist…what a bitch.

MR: What does she look like?

PL: Thin.  Pretty.  Big tits.  Your basic nightmare.

And…presto!

MR: Is he seeing anybody?

PL: He was seeing this anthropologist….what a (

)

MR: What’s she look like?

PL: Thin.  Pretty.  Big (

).  Your basic nightmare.

You see where I’m going with all of this?  Not totally ideal mind you, but at least we’d get something back.  Especially you ladies.

Well, it’s 12:13am and I’m heading to bed.  Sleep tight kiddos.

BN


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