Driving: A Love Hate Relationship


I love to drive.  In fact I pretty much have to drive.  I cannot even imagine what it would be like to not have my own set of wheels.  The only time that I have not had a car since I’ve been licensed, was the quarter I spent at Cal Poly at 19.  And I will tell you now, it was a brutal experience not having the ability to get up and bolt whenever I felt like it.  By nature I am a wanderer and explorer, and without the means to do so, is an experience nothing short of excruciating.

Now with that being said, there are many things that I hate about driving.  And lately, since my job causes me nothing but headaches, I have been consciously and unconsciously stockpiling a list of things that I can’t stand.

So here is a growing list in no particular order: (Warning this list may come off as sexist, racist, ageist, and whatever other -ists there are.  I have yet to write it, but I sense I will be flowing in that direction. You are forewarned).

#1 Asian drivers:  (That took a lot of time.) First off, I don’t mean all Asian drivers, to fully validate a stereotype.  Younger Asians and middle aged Asians and all that are no worse than the rest of us.  But its the older generation of Asian drivers, that I assume haven’t been in the good old US of A for all that long.  And there is no better place to witness what I’m talking about than pointing to the Asian enclaves in San Francisco.  I can say this because I lived in one.  And I assure you, seeing these drivers making their ways down the sidewalks or turning up on to the curbs was no rare sight.  It really was something to behold.

#2 Old people:  No…you know, I’m actually going to exclude this category of people because for some reason they don’t irritate me.  And further, I actually am surprisingly patient sharing the road with these menaces of society.  First of all, we all know how dangerous and out of control they are.  We do.  Simply due to their age we well know that the majority of these people simply do not have the ability anymore to safely stop or react.  For example (saying we even needed one), I was biking the other day and this blue-hair, after slowly passing me, took an even slower right, right in front of me causing me to skid out and nearly topple over her hood.  My first impulse was anger and bewilderment at the act, since how could someone possibly miss seeing me, but once I saw those milky, glazed-over eyes with skeletal hands barely hanging onto the wheel, I instantly relaxed and let out a laugh.  See, this person really shouldn’t be driving, but hell we make the laws and seen by the case of blue-hair, they clearly aren’t too stringent.  So I let these people slide.  And usually, as in the case of my near head on collision, I find the humor it.  Cause really, whats more funny than seeing a Cadillac with a right turn that has been blinking for over a month, head up a Do Not Enter on-ramp with previously shredded tires?  It’s comedy.  It really is.

#3  Car buddies:  Now this can exhaust all patience.  The drivers that hate being lonely and sit parallel to you or another car by matching their speed.  Man, does this suck.  Rather, man do these people suck.  Driving is a team effort, and coasting side by side is…well it’s ridiculous.  It clogs the whole freeway up.  Not to mention when they do it to me, I feel like its an invasion of my privacy.  I don’t want them peering into my car or giving me some lame ass head nod.  Mind your own fucking business.  Unless of course you’re Christy in the Ferrari.  In that case, #3 is totally out the window.

#4  Those who don’t understand the concept of the passing lane:  This really comes into play when I’m driving up to or returning from Tahoe.  Every so often I will run into that driver who simply has no business driving a car…or breathing if you ask me.  They will be the ones that will drive incredibly too fucking slow for my nervous system, which has us trailing drivers stacked up like an accordian behind them.  And then to make matters far more unbearable, which ultimately has me screaming “FUCK YOU.  MOVE!!!” through my windshield, these a-holes, when approached with the passing lane, will actually choose that time to speed up.  Yeah.  Dumbshit, oblivious driver will see this straight stretch of road, not as an opportunity to let the accordian unfold, but as an opportunity to shorten the length of their drive by eight seconds by effectively puting the pedal to the metal, while the bewildered rest race to overpass.  Jesus, these guys might take first prize.

#5 Cell phone drivers:  Now this has improved quite a bit since the laws have changed  banning the use of talking while driving, however there are still a few renegades out there, myself included, that use their cells while driving.  Now, I never have had a real problem with people driving and using their phones, but only if they are successfully able to do two things at once.  And if not, that the phone call suffers, as opposed to the driving.  For example…  A year or so ago there was this moron who was on his phone and driving his car extremely poorly.  Now I am one who is rather patient with my horn cause I….hold on….

#6 People who overuse their horns.

#5 Continued) …hate people who overuse their horns.  Anyways, this guy was literally falling apart at the wheel and becoming totally oblivious to what was going on at an intersection due to his phone conversation.  Since he was in my way AND it was appropriate, I honked the horn and gave him the “let’s get it together man”.  And he nervously responded by lerching his car while nearly dropping his mobile, and robotically mouthed “I’m on the phone”, as if he was in his kitchen and I was a nosy kid.  The response brought out an incredulous laugh in me, which he picked up on since he got all flustered, put down his phone, and began driving normally.  Lesson is, if you can’t drive while using your phone, then don’t.  Laws or no laws.

#7 Disabled Drivers:  You see, I’m sparing nobody.  Man this is a dangerous breed of folk.  How many of you have been nearly sideswiped by these mavericks?  You know the scenario.  You’re driving along and out of nowhere this car will nearly tear your car in half.  And after letting out the reflexive “whoa whoa whoa whhhhhaaATTTT THE FUCK???”, you see their little blue handicap insignia on their license plate zip up ahead.  And you know they don’t care.  Why should they?  What’s the benefit for them to drive safely?  What are they going to get in an accident and re-handicap themselves?  They have nothing to lose.  And hell, an accident may actually do them some good.  You know potentially undo some of their conditions.  Translation, fear these sons of bitches.  They are dangerous.

Now, of course, other drivers are not the only irritating part of driving.  In addition, there are the non-drivers known as:

#8 Bicyclists:  Yeah, most are fine.  Just fine.  I have no real problem sharing the road with them since at times I am a fellow cyclist.  HOWEVER…    There are the cyclists who think they are straight out of fighter pilot training or something, and bike with that same swagger and arrogance.  And really its just plain ridiculous.  ‘Listen up Top Gun of road bikers.  Riding a little bike is nothing like flying a war machine.  Not to mention fighter pilots actually wear cool clothes like bomber jackets, boots, and aviator glasses.  You wear geeky spandex pants, clown shirts, and an alien-esque helmets.  You don’t look hard.  Actually you kind of look like a retarded superhero.  I mean, how far off are a couple of you from actually wearing a cape?‘    …Anyways, so when these “bad asses” make no effort to share the road and simply own the road, well that’s when I have a problem.  All I need to do is clip their one inch wheel and they’re headed to the emergency room, however they seem to think that they are untouchable; a half mile off the ground in two tons of steel, fighting for our freedom.  Boy… how I would like to remind them sometime that they are not.  So share the road assholes, and keep your little hand signals you give, to yourself.  You are not the best of the best.

#9 Crosswalkers:  Oh I hate these sons of bitches too.  Not the normal ones that use the cross walk appropriately.  No.  They are of course fine.  And of course I am one of them quite frequently.  However there are those fuckers that don’t use them how they are intended.  And who are these people?  Black people!  Oh Christ… I am sort of kidding.  It’s actually a small portion of predominately black people that I keep encountering in Berkeley where I work.  Berkeley is loaded with these assholes (bad crosswalkers, not black people), and this is why I largely hate driving in Berkeley.  Especially around the Telegraph area.  The light will be green and these late teen to early twenty somethings will just walk out in front of your car with a “what the fuck you gonna to do about it” look, I’d assume cause I’m white.  And will of course walk at the slowest fucking pace since their pants are well below their ass.  Nice underwear by the way, you shit holes.  Now, since I have watched far too much TV I tend to let them do it since me laying on my horn will, in my mind, result in a torrent of bullets ripping through my windshield.  If the response was simply “what the fuck you gonna do about it”, well then my response would most likely be, “well, I’m going to pull over and rip your pants over your head you arrogant little fuck”.  But I don’t.  I just store the image like a killer whale, thinking I’ll get them some other way at some other time.  You know like if one of these jerkies was running to the elevator and I had the opportunity to press the elevator door hold button.  But once he nears and sees that I hold the power, I’ll just smile as the doors close on my shrinking face with a “What the fuck you gonna about it?”

So my job, it’s stressing me out, which again ultimately led to this list.  But…driving.  It’s a love/hate relationship, but ultimately I love it.


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