JH Is Making Me Put It Back Up…

[A baring journal entry about what I experienced last night (or anoche for you Spanish speakers…I would give the Brazilian Portuguese word, but there aren’t keys on my computer that have symbols of monkeys, rocks, and stone tools, and I can’t spell it phonetically.  Sorry.   ]

Wow. Moment number two of significant, significant moments during this past year. And here it is. Was rolling around in pain today. Anxiety was a lot less crippling and had a decent run and wasn’t too affected by dizziness or whatnot. Was feeling a lot of pain and discomfort but there wasn’t anything to do. Part of me felt that something was coming.

Had dinner with the folks and there was a panicky feeling I was feeling. A feeling that I felt just sort of crazy and not really anywhere. That, “I don’t know where I am” feeling. Like, “how did I get here?” “Where the hell am I?” But I sat down and ate, but was keeping something at bay.

I then passed the evening by Internet and then the one-hour season finale of Real World. Actually really liked the people on it this time.

Fixed an English Muffin and knew something was knocking at the door. I took my parents keys since I am out of gas, and knew I was to go to Burton Valley. And I did. And the rain let up so I could walk without having to deal, though I would have welcomed it.

And it was still. And I was still. And I felt a little emotional. Cried a bit, but a sense of peace and everything came over me. A few tears fell, but I was able to see tonight. I walked the halls and the playground (found a perfect basketball and I’ve wanted one for awhile now. Meant for me I guess.) But I just felt a sense of awe because I was looking around with my eyes again. Ones I haven’t used with this much familiarity in 17 years. I was me again tonight. Me, not pre-collapse, but me before I left me in early high school.

And I could see…not literally, but I could see and feel all these memories of being at Burton Valley and feel myself there as I am now. It was such an unbelievable, and such a familiar feeling.

And there was nothing to freak out about. There was nothing to worry about. It all revealed itself to me to whatever degree.

I said long ago to Paul or April or maybe just to myself in writings that I feel like I am stuck at a family function. That I went there and couldn’t get out of it or something. It was the only thing I could relate it too.

You know. You were right. That is exactly where you are. You are someplace. You are stuck in something. You are on a very extended family holiday.

And what is that? The holiday shut down dynamic is this part, this side, this split, this wound, this distancing, this part that doesn’t add up. This gap.

My last significant moment was four months ago or so at the Reservoir. The last line in my journal that day summed it up for me. To paraphrase, “With a fearful mind I pathologize my experience. With an open heart I accept the wisdom and allow the process of a transformative experience.” Damn I can be eloquent, and damn I can be right sometimes.

I am some place. I am existing in that split. In that ostracized part. The part that has kept me running. The part that felt so destructive, because it was. It would destroy me, rather my way of coping. My way of being. And is has. It has destroyed it because it needed to. It was time.

I reached a point in my life due to circumstance and due to timing that this was going to occur. The environment was right. (And I was given a lawsuit to settle my debts…ain’t that a head scratcher?).

But I reached a point where there was nowhere to run. There were no more outs, there were no more escapes. And if there were, I wouldn’t be Captain Brave. I would have taken it. But, I was faced with this. And I didn’t have a place to ground myself to pace myself through it. I had to end my old life. My exhausted old way of being, seventeen years worth, and fall into this and just see what the fuck would happen, because it was time and I had no choice.

And that is what I am walking through. That is what I am processing. It is my trauma and all that shit. The only way is through it, and I’m walking through it. A step at a time.

And with it, I’m coming back.

I’m even noticing that when I look at the mirror at times I am starting to see myself. Not just judging the image I see. I see my eyes as me.

It’s these changes and glimpses that are occurring.

So I don’t want to break it all down here. I know tonight is temporary and I will continue to walk in pain in the morning, but what a night, you know?

And to take it a step further, this is strange to me, and it is totally not me, and I feel weird writing it, but I’m going to. I said aloud on the soccer field with a serene smile, “I think I found God tonight.”

And what I meant by that, is not the grace of some other thing, having me see some clarity, but just feeling something. Not, “thank you God, thank you thank you thank you”, because that would feel ridiculous and sort of pathetic coming from an atheist or agnostic, or whatever, but I felt this quiet, crazy sense of this unbelievable intelligence to things that I don’t feel has anything to do with another deeper part of my brain. The complexity of this experience is filled with so much intelligence, truth, and beauty. And no more than the construction of our skin, or the functioning of the eye, or the mathematical precision of universal laws. This was my connection, of “holy…pardon that start, rather “My oh my. It makes no sense for these things to occur happenstance. There is something, a set of laws, or whatever that are so intelligent. And I felt that peace and connectedness from it.

So, two extraordinary experiences now. I will go to bed. And I will wake up and lace up my shoes and continue my path through the darkness, but damn…so appreciative, you know?

And I got a glimpse of what lay ahead of me. I still have this mind that freaks out and will twist and distort. I can count on that. But I’m getting some back-up finally. And the faint whisper is getting a whole hell of a lot louder.

BN