John Mayer’s Free Fallin’

Have you heard this remake? I must say I was pleasantly, no shockingly surprised.

I actually first heard it on the way down to Santa Cruz today as I was headed for a little surfing pleasure.

This was me actually rocking out to the Beastie Boys, not “Free Fallin’”.

Yes, I’m 34.

And speaking of pleasure…

I saw a pair of naked breasts on the beach today as I walked down these bluffs to a secluded beach. Being the chivalrous knight that I am, I turned away before she faced me in all her topless glory. She was there with her husband, so that was one thing, and also, no woman needs to see my greedy eyes perving on her without her invitation. So a side boob shot was what I settled for.

Not to mention this woman was in her late 40’s I’d say so it wasn’t a tremendous sacrifice.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Mayer. Once again distracted by zoomers.

His “Free Fallin’”.

It’s a masterpiece. That’s all I can say. I am as much amazed as you are now. How to describe it, you ask?

How about equal parts… Yeah, equal parts vomit and cheese. Well, maybe more cheese than vomit. I don’t know. Vomit is pretty powerful on its own. So yeah, I say it’s predominately cheese w/ a bit of vomit that seemingly balance one another out. If you haven’t heard it, its exactly like you would imagine it to be. Unnecessarily slowed down. Unnecessarily John Mayer breathy. Unnecessarily uncool.

Which takes me to John Mayer…

I have to admit, I kind of liked this guy in the beginning. He a had a few catchy tunes and was (and still is) pretty exceptional on the guitar. Not to mention that some of his interviews back then were pretty entertaining and self depricating. I mean, he is a smart guy. The highlight for me with this guy was when he dressed up as a bear and ran around the parking lot before one of his concerts interviewing unsuspecting fans, telling them that John Mayer was a tool.

It was pretty funny. And arguably pretty cool.

BUT that was the John Mayer of yesteryear.

Somewhere along the line… Over the past year or two. I haven’t been paying attention. But it seems that ever since he grew his hair long and started taking his shit too seriously, he has begun to suck BIG TIME.

Case and point. He grew his hair long and began taking his shit too seriously.

Further case and point. He started blabbing to gossip rags (not this one) about his celebrity breakups. I mean what self respecting person does that?

And the ultimate example of this occurred recently when he freely spilled it all to a paparazzi loser that the reason he dumped Anniston was because…blah, blah, blah. Like I read that shit. Whatever. Who cares? At the point of his confession no one knew who had dumped who, nor would/should rather anyone care. But he made a point to say he dumped her and felt the need to explain why.

Ok, I sort of hate myself right now for commenting on such stupidity, but I’ll recover.

But what all this shit says to me. The ridiculous personality change, the gay fucking hair, the oh so super hard tattoos, and all the sharing of your personal…rather your ex’s personal shit to the world…

All this says to me is that you frickin’ seduced yourself w/ your fruity tunes.

You did, you total dipshit. How fucking funny is that??? Somewhere along the line you stared a little too long in the mirror. Held that gaze a little too solidly. And began to believe….TRULY believe that you were very important. That your fans truly loved you. That you were this God’s gift to women.

Oh its funny. It’s too funny. Go ahead, tell us more John about who’s heart your breaking now. Please. Oh please. Tell us John, we’re all listening. We’re hanging on your every oh so important word. Will you write a song about it? Will you, will you, will you???

“Oh yeah…oh yeah…I’m freeeeee now. Yeah, I’m freeee fallayaaaaannn”.

The bear was right.  You are a tool.

Now… I’m not one to find joy in other’s misfortunes. I’ve largely outgrown that. But I have to say that I would truly relish the moment to have this guy suffer public humiliation. I would. I don’t know if Ashton Kutcher and his show is still around, but if he would eviscerate this guy on national TV for me, I would truly be indebted. It’s time to take this turkey back down to earth.

“She was a goood girl…crazy about Schwimmer. Met Mayer….”


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